Circulation

Oh I wish I said that: Dealing with Difficult People

Gail Johnson & Pam Parr
Link to the presentation (pdf).

[LB note: wonderful presentation - great presenters! Very entertaining!]

Five Questions:
1. Who are these People?
2. what’s it really about?
3. what do they want?
4. What do you Want
5. What do you do and how do you do it?

WHO:
> bullies, know-it-alls, narcissistic, impatient, in a hurry, passive aggressive, whiners…

Hostile — angry people…
Know-it-alls – the real ones vs. the bogus know-it-alls (they think they know everything)
Whiners or Complainers — they don’t want anything, they just want to whine and complain
Royalty – think they are entitled to whatever; that policies and rules don’t apply to them…think they deserv preferential treatment
Emotional Vampires – they will suck the life right out of you. When they call, you don’t answer; when they come in, you leave to go to bathroom…

“Experience is not what happens to you; its what you do with what happens to you” –

Sharing our stories helps us figure out what to come up to in situations…

Decrease the power and increase your control in the situation

You only have control over these three things:
What you think
What you Say
How you behave

It’s useless to argue with someone who is angry… in every conversation there needs to be an adult… you’re never going to win an argument with a difficult person (because they have much more experience being difficult!)

Because you work with the public, you are a target for frustrations because, simply, you are there… difficult people may take it out on the first person they see…

So what do these difficult people want?

> Sympathy, to be heard, acknowledgment…power…
> Empathy – putting yoruself in their shoes…
> Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone…
> They want the “F” word: fairness….
> Difficult people just want you to fix it – take care of it.

Everyone who works in the library has a tremendous amount of power…you can do whatever you want…you can make their visit pleasant — or not; you can check them out with a smile — or not…

Give the illusion that they have some of the power back by listening, let them feel they’ve been heard and acknowledged…

What do you really want?
(The person to go away) — but… to arrive at a common understanding and do so in a…

What are the “buts” in your head….? i.e., I would help you if you said, “I would do that for you, but….” If you weren’t a jerk... I’ve done this for her before…  It’s not part of my job… You can easily do it yourself… Which person showed up today (not sure who I’m dealing with)… We’ve always done it that way… I’m too busy… We’re getting ready to close…If I do it for you, then I have to do it for everyone else..

What do you do…?

Not fair: Paris Hilton is not fair — she can’t sing, can’t dance, not the smartest…yet everyone wants to know what’s she’s buying, who she’s dating, etc… Express lanes at the grocery store… Neither is the customer who cuts to the front of the line with “one quick question..”

Fairness is in the eye of the beholder…

In order to reach an understanding in a productive manner… we have to get the “but’s out of our head”… the “BUT” stops here…

What do I do and How do I do it…
two phrases that will fix or avert 90% of your difficult situations…

Phrase 1: “I’m sorry that happened.”
[Phrase doesn't accept blame... ]

Phrase 2: “I can take care of that for you..”
[adresses the fix-it, fairness, and empathy issues]

Hear them out… don’t cut people off in the middle of a comment… [what happens? they start over and you hear it twice...]

Listening skills:
Zip your lip, zip your emotions… We have two ears and one mouth, use them proportionately!

Q-tip example: QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY

Usually the comments, the arguments, etc are not directed at us…

KNOW your HOT buttons… learn to turn them off in those difficult situations… Another thing you can do is tell people the rest of your story….It’s just in the way you say it…Tell them the WHY we do things… i.e., We can’t watch your child because we don’t have enough staff and we can’t provide the ability to watch your child 100% – and we wouldn’t want that…

You want to arrive at a constant understanding…

BREATHE!

Issues —Audience chosen issue:

>Body Odor:
If it’s a patron… social service agencies are happy to make visits to talk about services/options…

If it’s an employee, make the conversation in private…Often they’re not aware of it… Don’t be afraid to confront it… You have to be sure it’s an issue and not just something that’s an issue with you only…

>Mentally Ill:
Note: Having a mental illness is not a problem – it’s the behavior that may come with it, that is the issue…

People who are not on their meds usually KNOW they’re not on their meds… If you have someone who is absolutely disruptive, you can say, “This is not a good day for you to be here… while you are always welcome to be here at the library, but today is not a good day for you to be here. We would love for you to come back again tomorrow.” –99.9% will get up and leave… If they don’t leave, check with your police department – have the convo ahead of time – ask them to come and do a well-check (no sirens and no guns) and ask them to come in to talk to the customer. Make a plan to rescue one another…. example of a patron that is monopolizing another employee’s time: “Sue, we have that meeting in two minutes – I need you to come with me.”

Realize that not everyone in your library is comfortable doing everything… Know who in your library is comfortable with what…

Note: difficult people are the ones that always come to mind, but the VAST MAJORITY of patrons are in your corner, very supportive, etc…

Question: patron hits on you: “Wow, that was the most inappropriate thing someone has said to me” — be direct with the patron – you have to make sure — don’t smile and tee hee – say wow, that was really inappropriate. If it continues, remove yourself and have another employee come in and help out.